(A gift from a dear friend)
I have been avoiding this post for some time now. I am not sure why that is. I speak openly about my miscarriages to anyone and everyone that will listen. I have been so encouraged by other bloggers who are willing to bear their hearts and share their own stories of love and loss. To see how our Lord has comforted them in their times of despair. God started this work in my heart a little over 2 years ago when M and I experienced our first loss. It was then that I first learned the hard truths about miscarriage. There are those that don’t count those babies. That are quick to say “better luck next time” or “maybe you should wait to tell people next time.” Those people mean well, I know that they do. But why should we wait? What if there isn’t a next time. What if these are my only babies? Whew! That is hard to type. Why shouldn’t their lives be celebrated too? regardless of how short their time in my womb is. It was then that God put in my heart a desire to celebrate these sweet babies and to grieve with and encourage other mamas who have been down the same road.
Just three months later I was pregnant again. This time with my miracle baby G. I spotted one time early in the pregnancy. That fear of losing the him crept in. Praise the Lord nothing came of that. Thankfully, the pregnancy continued without any other complications. As you read on you will see that only God could have sustained that pregnancy.
In the summer of 2013 when baby G was around 6 months old, Mark and I read Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s book The Lies Woman Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free. My husband will tell you that the book should be called “The Lies Christians Believe” as he gained a lot from it as well:) One of the chapters is on lies about family size. She spoke about how birth control and family planning are really the mother of the abortion movement. In fact many birth control measures are abortifacient in nature in that they still allow an embryo (baby) to form but make the uterus inhabitable for implantation therefore aborting the embryo. It makes sense, we use birth control and family plan because we don’t want more children right now or don’t think we can afford them. In our hearts M and I felt that the use of family planning or birth control was not viewing children as the blessing that they are and was telling God that we knew what we needed better than he did. God calls children a blessing numerous times, in using birth control we are saying “No, Lord don’t bless me again!” We knew God was leading us to give our fertility over to Him and allow him to decide when to bless us with children and how many he would bless us with. We were hesitant but also excited to see what God’s plan for our reproductive years would bring. [See the DISCLAIMER and UPDATE at the end!]
Just one cycle later and I became pregnant again. This time I flew past the telltale 6 week mark with flying colors. I had one set of good labs and I thought I was in the clear. Until that fateful day at almost 9 weeks when I started spotting. To be honest I didn’t think much of it. I had spotted with my son and he was fine. My friend who NEEDS to know what is going on with me almost as badly as I need to know encouraged me to call the doctor. I called them and they scheduled an ultrasound that afternoon. Praise the Lord Mark was off of work and able to accompany me! I knew something was wrong as soon as I saw the tiny bean with no beating heart. My voice broke as the radiologist asked if I was sure about my dates. I was. The baby had stopped growing around 6 weeks. Thankfully my doctor’s office made time for me immediately following the ultrasound and discussed with me our next steps. After enduring a little over a week of miscarrying they ordered a slew of lab tests. I was praying for answers. And I was beginning what would be a long bout of wrestling with God.
I received the results of my lab work and the only abnormality was that I had a Prothrombin Gene Mutation. This causes the overproduction of Factor II (necessary for clotting) which makes me at increased risk for forming clots. A side effect is early miscarriage. The doctors instructed me to take a baby aspirin every day and that I would need to do lovenox injections (a blood thinner) daily the next time I was pregnant. (See? Only God could have sustained my pregnancy with G without anything happening to either of us!)
I found out that I was pregnant only 2 weeks and 1 day after the period following the previous miscarriage. I must have ovulated very early that month. I only tested because I was spotting so I was concerned about this pregnancy from the beginning. I had my HCG levels drawn twice during the week and on Friday they relayed to me that I would like miscarry again. My HCG had only risen from 25 to 42 over 4 days when it should have doubled twice. I worked the weekend knowing that miscarriage was pending. This time I was angry. Why was God allowing this to happened to me recurrently? I read about Jacob wrestling with the Lord and realized that that is what I needed to do to. Instead, I shut Him out. I avoided thinking about my pain. I allowed the busyness of life and having an 18 month old consume me so that I didn’t have to think about it. I didn’t search the past 6 months for the plan for my good that I know God has in everything.
Thank God He is faithful in pursuing us even when we run from Him. He has been wooing me back into his arms. They are the one place that I will find healing for the hurt. I may not get answers this side of heaven but He offers peace. I want that peace so desperately. Now that I am looking for it, I can see the good. Mark and I NEED to be out of our current home before having another little one under foot. (It has taken us 6 months to repair to water leaks with just one little one!) We started moving stuff over to my father in law’s to declutter our house and I was able to see it anew. We realized that it is the perfect place for our growing family and in the location where God has called us to be.This is not something that I would have bothered to help with had I been close to 8 months pregnant. I have a greater appreciation for my son. I am learning that even in this pain and desire for another little one I cannot let it consume me to the point that I miss his younger years. I don’t want to be so angry that I numb myself with distraction after distraction on my phone while he says “Mommy, Mommy” just wanting me to watch him do his newest trick. I know that I don’t want to be so angry at God that it pours out into every other interaction I have. I want a deeper and sweeter relationship with my Maker because of this! I am more grateful than ever that God has seen fit to bless us so many times! So many woman are never even able to get pregnant or if they do they are never able to sustain a pregnancy. I have a beautiful and healthy little boy that grew in my womb. I am soooo blessed by that! I am thankful that my sweet babies opened their eyes to Jesus face! That they will never know the hurt in this world. I don’t think that I could honestly say I would be okay if I am never able to carry a pregnancy again. Thankfully I know that should I allow Him too, God will carry me through if that is the case.
So there it is. In under 2 years I have been pregnant 5 times and I have one living child. This is my broken hallelujah. I am broken. My body is physically defected. It cannot do what it was meant to do on it’s own. My hallelujah will always be broken because I am broken. I am human. But I pray that my hallelujah will be constant. That I will praise Him regardless. That I will seek Him regardless.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. (Psalm 73:26, NLT)
We want to say thank you to all of our friends and family who have helped us through. Our house church family for bringing meals, my sister in law for watching our sweet boy, my mother in law for bringing flowers and doing our dishes, and friends for listening ears! I appreciate all of you!
I know so many mamas have been here. What verses have been comforting to you?
~jenne j.***None of this post is meant for medical advice, please consult a physician.