Every morning I look forward to seeing you smile with your whole face and hearing your giggles. I can’t wait to see how and what you are going to conquer in your world each day. To see you squeal when your daddy chases you up the stairs, and the adoring looks you give your big brother. To see you wave your hand and slap your chest as you sign “Love mommy” You are an absolute JOY.
It hasn’t always been this way, dear one. You and I have had a slow burning love for each other. Your first few months of life were marked with many tears. You were in such pain and did not know how to communicate or cope in any way other than crying. And mama was sleep deprived and at a loss as to how to help you.
Nursing you was HARD. Trying to help you sleep was IMPOSSIBLE. In the midst of all this, we endured a house fire. The feelings of unfairness were running deep, my love. Why did we lose 4 babies only to be blessed with one who seemed more like a burden. And then to have the burdens pile up was too much. I hate the saying “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” He allowed so much MORE than we could handle. And Mama and Daddy were too stubborn and selfish to turn to Him. Mama needs so much grace for your first year of life, baby boy.
We were only right about one thing, though not in the way we thought. We absolutely did not/ do not DESERVE you. You ARE a blessing. It’s been true all a long but is so much easier to say this now. Now that you are on medicine that is healing the damage that reflux has done to your little body; now that you are (almost) sleeping through the night; now that you are well-rested and joyFUL during the day. But even if these things weren’t now true, it is and would still be a blessing to have the opportunity to care for you, to love you, and to learn from you. Mama needs to be reminded of that truth every day. And you are sooo generous with those reminders.
I see them in your toothy grin; in the way we communicate through sleepy giggles when we snuggle before nap time; in the way you run to me and give me a big hug when I get home for work; in the way you want me but don’t want me when you are hurting; in the way you have so graciously forgiven me time and time again. I look forward to loving you, caring for you, and learning from you for many more years to come.
I love you, Sweet Hen!